The Size of a Fig

A few weeks ago, I inadvertently became the object of concern of some of you by announcing that I haven't quite been myself and I've been preoccupied with some stuff. Not to worry! Everything is fine. I just have a parasite inside my uterus. Oh, ahem... I mean fetus. Is that a more maternal way to say it? How about organism that will become a baby? Tiny angel? Darling creature from the heavens?

Yes, I am 12 weeks pregnant and feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago. Here's what's been going on during the last 3 months:

I've thrown up in a garbage can in front of my grocery store, over the side of a speed boat at Lake Powell, and in the lilac bushes in my backyard, as well as countless times in the usual place.

The punk has started making gagging noises whenever I start to change his messy diaper. What is that phrase? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

One time when I was puking after changing a particularly fragrant diaper, the punk came in and put his little hand on my back. When I was done, he asked, "Ok?" and gave me a hug. Sweet boy.

The other day, I threw up after cleaning my own hair out of the shower drain. What was a little icky before has become an unbearable chore.

I've been having odd, vivid, sometimes scary, sometimes... steamy... dreams. This happened last time I was pregnant too. One recent dream involved a vampire with a blond ponytail. It wasn't scary. It was... the other thing. I don't know why the ponytail was present.

Some of you may be aware that pregnant women can be a teensy weensy bit moody. One morning, I went a tiny bit over the top in my irritability with the man who knocked me up, and when he reached in to take my sweet punk from my lap (because he was afraid I was going to throw him across the room in my fit of rage?), I gently pushed him out of the way with my running-shoe-clad foot. He thinks I kicked him. He is totally exaggerating, as husbands of pregnant women tend to do.

I am convinced that the reason pregnant women's teeth become weaker is not because all the calcium is going to the baby or because of the crazy hormone party inside her body, but because she can only brush her teeth for about 7 seconds before her overactive gag reflex kicks in.

And here is the most shocking thing of all: I haven't craved chocolate in months!

I am due March 30th. Let the stranger-tummy-touching and questions like, "Are you soooo excited???" begin!